Monday, January 01, 2001

Should've

Who would've thought that the last present I'd be giving you would be the six-piece lavender tulips I bought last night?

Who would've imagined that that night would be the last time I'd ever hear you sing that Julia Fordham song that I am not quite familiar with?

Who would've believed that your Davidoff cologne would be the last sweet-smelling fragrance I'd remember?

Who would've known that my lip gloss would be the last thing you'd "steal" (haha) from my car's compartment?

Who would've believed that the kiss you gave me on my left cheek would be the last kiss I'd ever receive from those succulent lips of yours?

Who would've thought that Dead Poets' Society would be the last video you'd be renting with me?

Who would've expected that that tastelessly-executed blonde joke would be the one last hilarious laugh we'd be sharing?

Who would've known that that slice of Blueberry Cheesecake we shared would be the last slice of cake I'd be having with you?

Who would've thought that last night would be the last time I'd see you wear your purple dress, your long black hair being blown by the evening wind?

Who would've expected that those will-you-marry-me's I've been rehearsing for the longest time would never be uttered in your presence?

Who would've expected that your Vodka Tonic and my Sex on the Beach would be the last intoxicating drinks the two of us will be having in that hell-I-still-can't-remember-its-name bar?

Who would've believed that last night would be the last night I'd pray to all the gods for strength and confidence to tell you just how much I feel for you?!

And who would've thought that on that night--last night, well...just like all the other nights--my prayers would not be answered...again?

Who would've known that for the nth time, I'd be walking away from your doorsteps with regrets after failing to express my affection...simply because I got chickenshit yet again.

Who would've expected that the heartburn I've been constantly whining about for the past few weeks would result in a massive cardiac arrest?

And who would've known that the glaring headlights of an oncoming ten-wheeler truck, the deafening sound of screeching tires, the faint smell of my last pack of Lights (I was quitting, remember?), and the excruciating pain on my chest would be the last four things I'd go up against...but would lose?

And who would've thought that I wouldn't see the day when I could--finally--ask you to spend the rest of your life with me? Damn...I should've told you last night.

Was I Asking For Too Much?

I never asked you to love me back. I just wanted you to know I'm alive...that I actually care for you like I've never cared for anyone.

I never asked you to put your arms around me. I merely wanted some kind of comfort...comfort after my lonesome realization that you will never ever be mine.

I never asked you to kiss me back. I only wanted to taste those lips of yours that some other man is probably kissing at this very moment.

I never asked for your company. I just wanted you to turn your back and leave me before I fall too hard that leaving and forgetting would already be too much of an effort.

I never asked you to fathom the depths of my emotions for you. I merely wanted you to stay put and feel it.

I never asked for you to leave him. I only wanted a piece of your time. Just a little bit of it

Leave now. Before it's too late.

Sacrament

January 29, 1998
11:50 PM


My precious Elisabeth,

Let me start by telling you how euphoric I am to have finally met you again yesterday. It has been ages since I last saw you. And although you have clearly grown more beautiful, I think you were exactly--or almost exactly--as I have remembered. For the past eleven years, your face was the sole image that I have kept playing over and over in my head in full detail, color, vividness and contrast. Your eyes have sparkled as I have imagined them to sparkle when you said your hello. You beamed the exact same smile I have grown fond of ever since I laid eyes on you. You were exactly the same Elisabeth that I have wished for. The Elisabeth that I have loved but never had the opportunity of keeping.

I am rather overwhelmed at how time flew. It felt like it was just yesterday when you told me, rather coyly, that you wanted to serve the Lord...that your calling was to be His servant. It broke my heart when, when I attended your--how do you call it? Veiling ceremony?--you were finally and officially betrothed to the Church. Did you know that while everybody else present in the ceremony was rejoicing and applauding, I was secretly weeping? I knew then that you would never be mine. Ever.

It is really an honor for me that you accepted my invitation to come to yesterday's affair. You do not know how exhilarated I was since that day you confirmed you were going to come. I literally counted the minutes that passed. You can not imagine how fast my heart started beating when the guests said that Sister Elisabeth is already by the patio, looking for me. Your habit--your clothes, I mean--never lessened your ethereal beauty; it has, in fact, made you even lovelier.

I do not know why I still feel this way for you, Liz. I can never have you. You are already His. We are not meant to be. We can not be together. Not now, not ever.

You realize that I this is the very first time I have said this to you. I could have not. But I did not want to die not having told you how much I care for you...how you make my heart burn with my desire for you...how I long to put you in my arms and let the beating of my heart tell you how much I feel.

Tonight is like eleven years ago all over again. I do not even know for sure if what I am feeling for you is love as I have kept it all these years. As far as I am concerned, I am bothered. I do not know what to think anymore. I cannot get you out of my mind, like you were tattooed on it.

Tomorrow is officially going to be my first day of being a husband to the woman I have honestly loved and sincerely cared for...and that woman is someone else, not you. I love her. Yes I do. But...

Tell me what to do Liz.


Disconcerted,

Deacon

Longing

I miss the way you sarcastically roll your eyeballs every time you get jealous.
I miss how you'd slowly run your fingers through your hair...how you'd touch it as though it were the most velvety thing your fingers have come across.
I miss the way your nose wrinkles ev'rytime you burst into laughter.
I miss the tears that cleave its way down your delicate skin.
I miss the way you eat pasta; how you'd refuse to cut the noodles and slurp it down to its end.

I miss the way you snuggle close to me and never loosen up when the rain falls outside.
I miss touching the grooves and lines on your palms, as though there lies a secret message in it that only I can read--by merely touching it...our very own private language, so to speak.
I miss the way your hair clings to your face each time you sweat when we're jogging in the morning.
I miss your sweet scent that always turns me on.

I miss the way you blow your kisses in the wind, as though the wind could actually bring those kisses to me.
I miss the way your nails scrape my back when you reach your ecstatic moment each time we make love in the wee hours of the morning.
I miss the way you hug your right knee in an almost fetal position each time you read your cheesy paper-back novels.
I miss the way you dance--your two left feet and all!

I miss the way you change the CDs from my jazz selections to your Chopin and Bach.
I miss the way you "crinkle" your eyebrows and absent-mindedly bite your knuckle when you're absorbed in deep thought.
I miss how tranquil you look when you're sleeping on the couch, your chest slowly rising and falling in a somnolent rhythm.
I miss the awkward way you try to speak the vernacular, the way you cuss...as though those words were too foreign for your tongue.

I miss the tiny hairs on your nape.
I miss the love bites you give me on my chest and on my neck.
I miss your ethereal smile that never fails to perk me up.
I miss the way you kiss my bruises as though you were my parent and I your only child.

I miss the four-, five-hour phone conversations and e-mail messages.
I miss your soft, luscious lips that look so delectable in its moistness that I'd always wanted to "take a bite."
I miss the warm air that comes out of your mouth when you whisper your sweet nothings to me.
I miss the way you'd arch your back each time I tickle you.

I miss you...so much that it hurts.

Saturday, January 01, 2000

Somehow

for CJ.

I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know what this is
But somehow...I think I know.

Do I really like this "thing"?
Don't be silly, of course I don't
But somehow...I think I do.

This "thing" I think is really strange
It does give me the creeps
But somehow...I think it's wonderful.

You stir up my emotions
Yet I don't really care
But somehow...I think I do.

Sometimes I feel kind of funny
I even think it's absurd
But somehow...I really don't care.

Do I love you?
Do I? Do I?
I guess I really shouldn't.

But somehow...you know I do.

Sleep

At this very moment
I am watching you sleep.
Lovingly. Quietly.

You-
Sleeping like a child;
Your fetal curl appealing for security.
And love.

I look at you
All so calm and worry-free;
Unmindful of our chores next morning.

You dreamily, almost inaudibly
Mumbled something in your sleep.
It sounded like a name.

What was that?
Oh.
Mine.

All of a sudden your eyes start to flutter
Almost as if about to wake from a dream.

I stroke your short, almost-boyish hair;
Gently kiss you on the forehead
And you instantly get pacified.

Ah--
My beautiful little angel.

I can watch you sleep forever.

'Til Then

I may not be the one for you
You might belong to someone else;
It just doesn't seem so very right
That I am lying here beside you.

I wonder if we'll stay like this
Or perhaps you'll start to wander;
What if tonight, this lonely night
Was our last night together?

Ah--
You will get tired of me.
You will find another man;
Someone who will probably
Make you happier
Someone who will make you
More complete.

But until then--
Until you find the right man,
Just let me hold you tight.
And make believe you are mine.

The Day I Stop Loving You

I have made a vow:
I will never stop loving you

Even if heaven and earth collide
And put an end to all existence
Or the oceans and seas dry up
To shrivel the whole of creation.

I will love you
Until the day I die
Or maybe
Even beyond death itself.

For the day I stop loving you
Is the day I stop being myself
It's the day I stop remembering
That my sole reason for existence
Is you.

But I will always remember.
And I will always be myself.

One More Gift

If there's one more thing
One more gift
I will ask from Above
And nothing more
It will be you.

Just you.

I have been alone all my life
Been cold
Been afraid
Been lost.

So if I can have
Just one more gift
That I could ask from Above
Just one
And nothing more.

It will have to be you.

You and you alone.

Minstrel

A mad man I am not
But a mere troubled minstrel.

I look not at the sun
But listen to its heartbeat.
I hear.
Wails of lambs. Lamentation.
Disgruntled moans. Crying violins.

I breathe not air
But cursory images of life.
I see.
Carnage. Speeding bullets.
Mildew. Emerald men with wings.

I sing not sweet lullabies.
But choleric people's angst.
I resound.
Echoes of melancholia. Thunderous screams.
Sobs of unwanted souls. Apathy.

I am but a troubled spirit.

Lost

Where do we go from here?
What happens now?
How do we take it from here?

What blank wall is this we are facing?
Where is the laughter now?
Where is the magic we both relished?

Shall we stay or shall we go?
Where to?

Tell me.
I do not know.

Just A Memory

You are but a memory.
A fleeting reflection
A passing apparition.

You are nothing
But a ghost
From my past.

I did not love you
I did not.

I did not weep
When you broke my heart.

I never yearned for you
When you abandoned me
And left me for dead.

I ne'er craved
For your body warmth
When I felt cold
Alone in bed
These nights.

I did not love you.
I did not.

If I Weren't Here

for Cas.

If I weren't in this place, I'd be in your arms
Far from harm, far from care
I would be with you
Just you.

If I weren't so far away, I'd be sitting beside you
We'd be talking, laughing, watching the sunset
I would be beside you
Just you.

If I weren't where I was, I'd be lying next to you
Where there's warmth, tenderness and so much love
I would enthrall in the touch of you
Just you.

If I weren't here, I'd be with you
We'll spend the rest of our lives together

If I weren't here, I'd be with you
Just you.

I Will Never Go Away

Just when you thought I was gone
Here comes my promise:
I will never leave you.

Just when you thought I have deserted you
And left you all alone I emerge from oblivion
And make my presence felt.
I will stay with you.

I will never desert you.
Will never hurt you.
Will never wander from you.

Never have
Never will.
This I promise you:

I will be in the air that you'll breathe
In the brilliance of your morning sun
In the stillness of your lonely summer nights
In the serenity of the slowly falling rain

I have never left you
I promised to stay with you forever
And forever I will.

I Who Never

(an ode to the hurting)

You never told me to stay.
You never did.

But I waited.
Patiently. Silently.
For you to tire
From your conquests.

Secretly
I grieved.
Dry tears flowing
Down my bruised cheeks.

I waited.
Patiently. Silently.
I never complained.

You touched me.
Hit me.
Raped me.
Hurt me.

I prayed
That you'd stop.
For just once
Let me catch my breath.

But you never did.

I hurt.
But I never complained.

You never told me to stay.
You never did.

Why am I still here?

I Never Should Have

for M.C.

I shouldn't have kissed you
I never should have
I shouldn't have touched you
I never should have.

All those years
Of loneliness and sorrow
All this time
I thought I have
Started moving on

All
This
Time

I thought I was over you.

I have spent
All my days
And my nights
Forgetting
All my waking hours
To get you out of my mind.

Then you came back
And I knew

That I never should have kissed you.

Elevator

told to me by Joyce (and was originally called "Joyce's Doors").


I have been kissed by three men in this elevator.

One was from the past...one who never stopped loving me.
The other one was in love with another one, not just me.
And the third, the one who promised me forever.

The door opens and closes.

I wonder who will kiss me this one last time.

Don't Look Too Closely

for C.T.

Don't look too closely
For I burn with desire.

Don't.

As I may not be able
To hide my feelings
No more

Don't.

I fear your dark hazel eyes
Your piercing stare
Your almost-knowing smile

I fear...

That you already know
How much I care about you
Like you were the only person
Who could make me feel complete.

Don't lock your gaze with mine
Or at least don't hold it too long.

For the next time you do
I may have to passionately kiss you
Like I have never kissed anyone.

So don't.

Dial-up

as pondered by Karen.

I patiently wait
Busy
I wonder
Does he have mail for me?
Dialing attempt 4 of 15

I squirm in my seat
Will he still remember me?
Busy I gave him my address...
Didn' t I?

Retrying in 5 seconds
I try and remember his aroma
What was it again?
Was that an Armani?
Busy

His devilish grin
His absentminded way of massaging his neck
I remember
He flirted with me

Attempt 9 of 15
What if he doesn't like me?
Line's busy
But he touched me
Sweetly, almost lovingly

I stare blankly
Unable to connect to the Internet
I lament at my catastrophe

What was his name again?

Arcadia

for Rheese.

You have the sweetest scent
The most sensual one
That of honeysuckle
And of caffeine.

You make me want to
Lovingly
Passionately
Eagerly
Make love with you

Every hour of the day
Every passing moment

Never mind
If we both are
On borrowed time.

Come.
Now.
To paradise.