Who would've thought that the last present I'd be giving you would be the six-piece lavender tulips I bought last night?
Who would've imagined that that night would be the last time I'd ever hear you sing that Julia Fordham song that I am not quite familiar with?
Who would've believed that your Davidoff cologne would be the last sweet-smelling fragrance I'd remember?
Who would've known that my lip gloss would be the last thing you'd "steal" (haha) from my car's compartment?
Who would've believed that the kiss you gave me on my left cheek would be the last kiss I'd ever receive from those succulent lips of yours?
Who would've thought that Dead Poets' Society would be the last video you'd be renting with me?
Who would've expected that that tastelessly-executed blonde joke would be the one last hilarious laugh we'd be sharing?
Who would've known that that slice of Blueberry Cheesecake we shared would be the last slice of cake I'd be having with you?
Who would've thought that last night would be the last time I'd see you wear your purple dress, your long black hair being blown by the evening wind?
Who would've expected that those will-you-marry-me's I've been rehearsing for the longest time would never be uttered in your presence?
Who would've expected that your Vodka Tonic and my Sex on the Beach would be the last intoxicating drinks the two of us will be having in that hell-I-still-can't-remember-its-name bar?
Who would've believed that last night would be the last night I'd pray to all the gods for strength and confidence to tell you just how much I feel for you?!
And who would've thought that on that night--last night, well...just like all the other nights--my prayers would not be answered...again?
Who would've known that for the nth time, I'd be walking away from your doorsteps with regrets after failing to express my affection...simply because I got chickenshit yet again.
Who would've expected that the heartburn I've been constantly whining about for the past few weeks would result in a massive cardiac arrest?
And who would've known that the glaring headlights of an oncoming ten-wheeler truck, the deafening sound of screeching tires, the faint smell of my last pack of Lights (I was quitting, remember?), and the excruciating pain on my chest would be the last four things I'd go up against...but would lose?
And who would've thought that I wouldn't see the day when I could--finally--ask you to spend the rest of your life with me? Damn...I should've told you last night.
I never asked you to love me back. I just wanted you to know I'm alive...that I actually care for you like I've never cared for anyone.
I never asked you to put your arms around me. I merely wanted some kind of comfort...comfort after my lonesome realization that you will never ever be mine.
I never asked you to kiss me back. I only wanted to taste those lips of yours that some other man is probably kissing at this very moment.
I never asked for your company. I just wanted you to turn your back and leave me before I fall too hard that leaving and forgetting would already be too much of an effort.
I never asked you to fathom the depths of my emotions for you. I merely wanted you to stay put and feel it.
I never asked for you to leave him. I only wanted a piece of your time. Just a little bit of it
Let me start by telling you how euphoric I am to have finally met you again yesterday. It has been ages since I last saw you. And although you have clearly grown more beautiful, I think you were exactly--or almost exactly--as I have remembered. For the past eleven years, your face was the sole image that I have kept playing over and over in my head in full detail, color, vividness and contrast. Your eyes have sparkled as I have imagined them to sparkle when you said your hello. You beamed the exact same smile I have grown fond of ever since I laid eyes on you. You were exactly the same Elisabeth that I have wished for. The Elisabeth that I have loved but never had the opportunity of keeping.
I am rather overwhelmed at how time flew. It felt like it was just yesterday when you told me, rather coyly, that you wanted to serve the Lord...that your calling was to be His servant. It broke my heart when, when I attended your--how do you call it? Veiling ceremony?--you were finally and officially betrothed to the Church. Did you know that while everybody else present in the ceremony was rejoicing and applauding, I was secretly weeping? I knew then that you would never be mine. Ever.
It is really an honor for me that you accepted my invitation to come to yesterday's affair. You do not know how exhilarated I was since that day you confirmed you were going to come. I literally counted the minutes that passed. You can not imagine how fast my heart started beating when the guests said that Sister Elisabeth is already by the patio, looking for me. Your habit--your clothes, I mean--never lessened your ethereal beauty; it has, in fact, made you even lovelier.
I do not know why I still feel this way for you, Liz. I can never have you. You are already His. We are not meant to be. We can not be together. Not now, not ever.
You realize that I this is the very first time I have said this to you. I could have not. But I did not want to die not having told you how much I care for you...how you make my heart burn with my desire for you...how I long to put you in my arms and let the beating of my heart tell you how much I feel.
Tonight is like eleven years ago all over again. I do not even know for sure if what I am feeling for you is love as I have kept it all these years. As far as I am concerned, I am bothered. I do not know what to think anymore. I cannot get you out of my mind, like you were tattooed on it.
Tomorrow is officially going to be my first day of being a husband to the woman I have honestly loved and sincerely cared for...and that woman is someone else, not you. I love her. Yes I do. But...
I miss the way you sarcastically roll your eyeballs every time you get jealous. I miss how you'd slowly run your fingers through your hair...how you'd touch it as though it were the most velvety thing your fingers have come across. I miss the way your nose wrinkles ev'rytime you burst into laughter. I miss the tears that cleave its way down your delicate skin. I miss the way you eat pasta; how you'd refuse to cut the noodles and slurp it down to its end.
I miss the way you snuggle close to me and never loosen up when the rain falls outside. I miss touching the grooves and lines on your palms, as though there lies a secret message in it that only I can read--by merely touching it...our very own private language, so to speak. I miss the way your hair clings to your face each time you sweat when we're jogging in the morning. I miss your sweet scent that always turns me on.
I miss the way you blow your kisses in the wind, as though the wind could actually bring those kisses to me. I miss the way your nails scrape my back when you reach your ecstatic moment each time we make love in the wee hours of the morning. I miss the way you hug your right knee in an almost fetal position each time you read your cheesy paper-back novels. I miss the way you dance--your two left feet and all!
I miss the way you change the CDs from my jazz selections to your Chopin and Bach. I miss the way you "crinkle" your eyebrows and absent-mindedly bite your knuckle when you're absorbed in deep thought. I miss how tranquil you look when you're sleeping on the couch, your chest slowly rising and falling in a somnolent rhythm. I miss the awkward way you try to speak the vernacular, the way you cuss...as though those words were too foreign for your tongue.
I miss the tiny hairs on your nape. I miss the love bites you give me on my chest and on my neck. I miss your ethereal smile that never fails to perk me up. I miss the way you kiss my bruises as though you were my parent and I your only child.
I miss the four-, five-hour phone conversations and e-mail messages. I miss your soft, luscious lips that look so delectable in its moistness that I'd always wanted to "take a bite." I miss the warm air that comes out of your mouth when you whisper your sweet nothings to me. I miss the way you'd arch your back each time I tickle you.
The following are just some of my poems, essays, prose, etc., which I have written throughout my interesting-at-one-time-and-then-boring-the-next lifetime. All these works are, proud to say, original.
Most are old postings (which explains the old date stamp) that I have salvaged from my now defunct homepage. I will--God knows when and how--start writing again. New ones will have updated time and date stamps.
Location: Pasig City, Metropolitan Manila, Philippines
generally misunderstood, i am the proverbial "mentos" persona: crunchy/strong on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside. i speak my mind, and articulate my emotions...within bounds of tact, but never sugar-coated or "pa-tweetums". i am determined to be more patient by the day, although i'm still struggling to emancipate myself from a possible hero complex. i practice "isusubo ko na lang, ibibigay ko pa sa iba" to a fault. i dance like nobody's watching...or as if everybody is watching. i pray like a saint, but cuss like a truck driver. i comfortably transform from corporate formal to society papparazzi-worthy to kanto jologs/barok. i have been branded a "flirt" and a "tease"...and i never contradict.
